Lessons on Being Too Hard on Yourself and Negative Self-Talk

Being very hard on myself is something I struggled a lot with in life. I was raised by strict parents who had insanely high expectations of me and demanded perfection from me. Whenever I didn’t perform well at school I would be verbally abused and belittled.

I’m not trying to tell a sob story here. But because of my childhood, I didn’t know what true self-love was for the longest time. I treated myself like how my parents would for the most part of my life.

I had a very toxic relationship with myself. I constantly felt this insatiable need to prove to myself that I was worthy and good enough. I only loved myself when I lived up to my own standards and achieved my goals. And if I failed to reach my goals or made mistakes I’d become the biggest bully to myself.

“You are such a lazy piece of shit, why did you do this when you knew you shouldn’t have!”

“You are a fucking loser, wtf, you can do better than this!”

“You know you need to get this done, why are you still fucking around. What is wrong with you!”

And for the longest time, I just assumed this was how most people talked to themselves. But a small part of me knew this was not healthy.

But I was unwilling to change because I was afraid if I stopped being so hard on myself I would just slowly lower my own standards and become a total loser.

Of course, it was still great to have high standards and want to be self-disciplined. But I simply didn’t know there is a more loving way to motivate myself.

And all those negative self-talk wasn’t really effectively motivating me anyway! It was purely self-loathing. It only broke me down in the long run and made me feel so burned out at times.

I just couldn’t fathom the idea that I can make mistakes, slack off here and there on my bad days and still be a person worthy of self-love and respect.

This is the way I treated myself, my close friends, and the people I was dating. Imagine being in a relationship with me lol. I have so much regret looking back now.

After seeing how my perfectionism and being very hard on myself and others damaged my own mental health and the girls I dated. I knew I had to change.

Over the years I made efforts to learn how to love myself unconditionally and be more compassionate and realistic with myself.

I realized something very valuable and important to me.

I can still give myself tough love but I don’t need to do it in a way that breaks me down and makes me feel terrible about myself.

I can motivate myself and stay disciplined without calling myself names and holding myself to impossible standards.

Instead of telling myself “If you don’t get this done then you are a lazy piece of shit”

I started telling myself “Doing this, it is important for me to achieve my goals, this is not easy but it’s necessary, so I must do this!”

And if I tried my best and still failed or wasn’t perfect. I’m not going to bully myself with harsh words.

I believe being your own loving coach who occasionally dishes out some tough love (from a loving place) is a much healthier way to talk to yourself and keep yourself disciplined. Maybe this is common sense to you but it took me many years to learn this. And I hurt myself and many others in the process.

I hope this helps you if you are similar to me and also struggle with being too hard on yourself!