How to Text Girls on Dating Apps and Get the Date
Intro
Alright alright alright, assuming you’ve optimized your online dating profile and matches are rolling in on a consistent basis. What do you do now to turn these matches into dates? Let’s explore all that in today’s article.
Mindsets to have when texting your matches
Before we get into the “technical” aspects of messaging girls, I want to establish a framework of the mindsets you need to have when messaging these girls.
Mindsets you need to have
If she matches with me, it means she’s already attracted to me to some extent. Relax and don’t try too hard.
I’m a busy guy and my time is valuable, so before I ask these girls out on a date, I need to screen them to make sure they are a good fit for me.
I like girls who like me, so I’ll have the self-respect to not overly invest in someone who doesn’t want me in the first place
I don’t like every girl, and not every girl will like me. I will not misrepresent myself nor say things I don’t mean to please anyone. And I’m not going to take anything personally and base my sense of “worthiness” on how these girls react to me.
I know I’m an attractive guy to the right girls. I just need to speak to enough girls and someone will be really into me. It’s just a numbers game.
The only way to learn about someone and see if we have chemistry is to spend a significant amount of time together in person. The primary goal of me texting these girls is to arrange a date.
This framework should be the foundation of everything you do when messaging girls.
How to text girls on dating apps and set up dates
Below is my approach to messaging girls. I’m convinced it will work for anyone because it’s so simple and has been proven to work over and over again. Let me break it down for you.
Standout with your first message (KISS)
Whatever you do, do not send an overly long and elaborate first message. Generally speaking, people on dating apps have less attention span than a goldfish. Keep your first messages short and sweet.
Why is that?
Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine you are Chris Hemsworth with dozens of matches every single day, and all these matches are attractive. Would you read everyone’s profile and come up with a personalized and thoughtful first message to everyone?
Of course not. It would become a part-time job and you would hate it.
And girls would subconsciously pick up on this and assume you are desperate and needy for her. Because most guys are like that on dating apps.
So what you wanna do is to have a few go-to first messages that are short and complimentary, or flirty and fun. These messages don’t require a lot of brain power to read and reply to, and they make you stand out from all the other dudes sending her long paragraphs.
And by complimentary I don’t mean something like “Hi you are so pretty” or “Wow I love your eyes”
Generally, you want to avoid complimenting her looks because it’s mostly genetics. She didn’t have to work for it and it makes you sound like every other unimaginative fuckers on the apps.
What worked well for me was “Hey! I love your fashion/style”
It works because I genuinely appreciate good aesthetics and taste. And you are complimenting her on something she consciously puts effort into. This will be received much better than “Hi you are beautiful”
Whenever I sense she has a bit of a mischievous personality, which I like as well. I’d sent her something like “So, when are we taking over the world?”
This is lighthearted and creates a “us vs the world/together” vibe from the get-go. And it has an air of confidence and a devil-may-care attitude. Which is attractive. But don’t use this if it isn’t congruent to the vice YOUR profile gives off. Stick to something like “Hey! Love your style” in that case
You don’t have to copy my messages word for word. Use the same principles to come up with your own. Compliment her on something you find attractive about her that is not her looks, and keep it concise.
Now you’ve sent your first message to a bunch of your matches. It’s time to sit back and wait for the replies to come in. And this is also your first chance to screen and “calibrate”.
So typically you’ll get 3 types of responses to your first message.
The best case scenario is that she responds with a lot of enthusiasm and a fairly long message, and she compliments something about you as well. “Ding, Ding, Ding”! We have a winner here. This is a great sign and usually means that she’s very into you already just from your profile. Let’s call her a “yes!” girl.
The “Meh, but salvageable” scenario is that she responds with a short “thanks”. A lot of times it’s nothing personal, you don’t know what’s going on in her life and many variables outside of your control can contribute to this. It’s not about reflection of your message or profile. And you can still turn this “maybe” girl into a “yes!” girl with good texting. If you want to, but I’d rather focus on the “yes!” girls.
The worst-case scenario is that she never responds to you. It happens to EVERYONE and you don’t need to take this personally. Some girls are just on dating apps for validation, maybe she got into a depressive episode, or maybe she already met her dream guy the day before. Just move on when this happens to you.
The “yes!” girls are very likely to meet you so you should prioritize them, and you can turn “maybe” girls into “yes!”. But you will proceed slightly differently.
Calibrate Your Messages Based on Her Initial Reply
Like I said, at this stage of messaging you’ll want to calibrate your approach slightly differently to “yes!” and “maybe” girls.
I’ll use an analogy here.
The level of attraction some girl feels towards you is more “on a spectrum”, not as simple as a “yes or no”. Imagine a “volume knob of attraction”. A “yes!” girl is very attracted to you. And that’s like the volume knob being turned up to 8-9/10. And a “maybe” girl is just a bit lukewarm to you, and that’s like the volume knob being dialed up to just 5/10, at this moment.
So with a “yes!” girl, you can go straight into vibing back and forth, teasing her, joking around. I’ll show you how to do this in a bit.
But with a “maybe” girl you’ll need to warm her up to you more before you do any of those above. To increase her perception of your “status, value, and attractiveness” first.
How do you do this without looking try-hard or resorting to some manipulative tactics to “bring her down”?
Easy. Don’t underestimate the power of teasing, creating intrigue, and having self-respect.
With these “maybe” girls you mustn’t lose your cool and start sending long paragraphs of messages to show her what a great catch you are.
You stay relaxed and nonchalant, and keep your messages concise. Even if she’s not giving you a lot to work with. And you don’t get butt-hurt or insult her.
What you do instead is that you talk to her in a way that makes her more and more curious about you and “bait” her into asking you more questions.
For example.
If a girl is giving me very short answers at the beginning. And the conversation goes like this.
Me: “Love your fashion”
Her: “Thanks”
Me: “You look like a Queen West (a hipster neighborhood in Toronto) girl”
Her: “I am lol”
As you can see she’s not putting a lot of effort into this conversation and it’s very dry at the moment.
It will not serve me if I send messages a lot longer than hers because that would only make me look needy.
And if I show that I was emotionally bothered by this it would also make me look butt-hurt and voila, game over.
Honestly, if a girl is like this I’d rather talk to someone else more fun and bubbly. But if you want to make it work for whatever masochist reasons this is what you do.
You want to slowly build intrigue and show attractive qualities about yourself in the least try-hard/obvious way possible.
I’m going to start sprinkling in small, vague details about myself/my life to make her more and more curious and start asking me more questions (questions I want her to ask). And when I answer these questions, I’ll answer them in a way that makes me look good in her eyes.
So essentially you are still showing her why you are a “good catch” but you are doing it in a very subtle and tactical way.
This is how I would go about it.
Her: “I am lol”
Me: “Cool. I left Toronto years ago because business was expanding, just moved back last year”
From here, it’s very predictable that she would be a bit curious about my work, my travel lifestyle, where I was living before, etc.
When I answer these questions, still in a concise way, I could sprinkle in more details about me being a freelance photographer working with clients all over Canada, my stories from having lived on both coasts, cultural shocks while I was living in French Canada, etc.
I will look more interesting to her without me having to outright brag about it.
And then she will reply with something and I’ll make a comment about her answer, sprinkle in even more “baits” to get her asking more questions about myself.
And I could just rinse and repeat until she’s now a “yes!” girl and then she will be more receptive to flirting and bantering.
Alternatively, you playfully tease her about being rude and call her out on it in a funny way.
If she’s still giving me short replies after a few more exchanges, I’d send her something like this: “Well…I’m no conversationalist myself but my mom always taught me that a one-word reply is no way to start a mutually loving and passionate relationship…😏”
Sometimes, not all, she will laugh and get her shit together after this message. Or I’ll just walk away after this.
Again, this approach is not gonna work 100 percent of the time (nothing is). But these are the best moves you can make when a girl is giving you very little to work with, and some “maybe” girls will be more receptive after this process.
Ok, now let’s talk about flirting over text.
Banter and Flirt over Text to Create a Fun and Romantic Vibe
Before we get into the ‘HOW’s” let’s first go over what it means to banter and flirt. So bantering means playful and light-hearted exchanges between two people. Flirting is almost similar to bantering but more romantically/sexually charged, to express your desire in a non-needy way and get her emotionally aroused.
A common mistake a lot of guys make is that their conversations with girls are very logical, interview-like, and emotionally “flat”. Guys tend to do this when they are nervous about talking to a girl and feel too inhibited to truly express themselves. So they typically start the conversation by asking very safe and generic questions one after another.
“Where are you from?”
“What do you do for work?”
“How long have you lived here?”
“What do you do for fun?”
And these questions are not bad per se when you are getting to know her. But you want to avoid coming across too logical and boring at the initial stage of meeting someone. Instead of going interview mode on her the entire time, you want to make it playful and flirty to set the right tone/vibe.
Imagine you are talking to your little sister, cousin, or just a random cute kid. They are adorable and you are not nervous about what to say. So naturally you would be busting their balls, fucking around with them, teasing them to make yourself laugh.
This is exactly the vibe/energy you should have around a girl and it will make them a lot more aroused and attracted to you. You can even make fun of her in a joking way (But make sure you add a smirk emoji if you are doing this over text).
The way you need to come across is this: I don’t give a fuck about what you think about me and my stupid jokes, I’m bold and confident, and I’m just saying things with zero filters because I’m having a great time and I find myself hilarious. And I’m not bothered if you don’t like my personality, I know someone else will.
So let me put this is practical terms. Here are some things you can say to her to keep the conversation flirty and fun. Just periodically sprinkle these following statements in the conversation to create some emotional arousals.
You can be a little disagreeable and randomly tell her “I don’t believe you” or “Oh stop lying to me”
You can be like “You are cute, but you are too feisty for me”
You can be like “Ohhhh so you are a party girl? Damn….I’ve been hurt by party girls before. I don’t know if I should keep talking to you”
You can be like “You are a lawyer? Oh, so we are both assholes. This relationship is never gonna work out”
You can be like “So you are cute, funny, and smart. But what’s your red flag?”
You can be like “It’s kinda hot you are a lady doctor. But you promise you didn’t get into medicine just so you can buy a Porsche?”
Again, add a smirk emoji when you say these things to make it obvious you are just joking, and make sure you don’t overdo them.
So essentially you do this to show her that you obviously like her, but you are not desperate and she hasn’t completely won you over yet.
Another way to be more flirty is that you can randomly accuse her of trying to seduce you. Whenever she sayings something you genuinely like and find attractive, you can be like “Oh stop talking dirty to me. I’m shy.” Or “Are you trying to turn me on *Her Name*? Because it’s kinda working”
Demonstrate your attractive qualities through storytelling
Flirting is great for creating emotional arousal and attraction. Albeit it important, it’s only one part of the equation. You also need to be able to demonstrate your attractive qualities and show her that you are a high value guy.
Look at the animal kingdom right? For a female animal to accept the mating attempt from a male, she’s usually gonna want to make sure the male suitor can ensure the protection and survival of both her and her offspring.
Human mating works the same way.
Here are the key traits women find attractive:
You are somewhat at the top of the dominance hierarchy. Other men respect you and follow your leadership
Other girls find you attractive and you’ve dated girls who are just as attractive as her in the past
You are successful in your career and you can provide safety and financial security for her and your future children
You are good in bed and she is going to have a great time if you guys start dating and become physically intimate
You are a good man and you take care of your people. And you are not gonna fuck around and hurt her
And keep in mind these are the ideals we can aim for. And if you don’t have all these qualities right now it’s completely expected, but we can all work on improving ourselves to become more and more attractive over time. It’s a continual process.
Ideally, you already have some of these qualities, and you need to demonstrate your attractive qualities to girls when you are meeting them. But you need to do it intelligently.
It would sound very arrogant and off-putting if you just tell a girl: “I’m a multimillionaire and I volunteer at the homeless shelter on my weekends. And my supermodel ex-girlfriend used to have multiple orgasms every night with me” outright. And it’s gonna sound like you are bullshitting her even if all these statements are true.
It would be a lot more impactful and a lot less try-hard if you communicate these qualities via effective storytelling. The key is, yes you wanna show her that you are a great catch, but you need to do this in a very subtle and artful way.
We already talked about how to create intrigue and bait girls into asking questions you want them to ask earlier. This is exactly how you can tell stories to demonstrate your attractive qualities without looking like you are trying to impress her.
Let me give you an example here.
So say you have a successful business and you are proud of what you have accomplished.
It’s gonna sound try hard if you just directly tell her: “Yeah I quit my job to start my own business, became successful at what I do, and I make a lot more money than people my age.”
It’s better to bait her into asking you about what you do. By sprinkling in small details about your work and get her curious. She’s inevitably gonna ask you more about your work. Then you can start showing her that you run a fairly successful business by telling her stories about your entrepreneurship when answering her questions.
So you can just throw in a random statement like: “Yeah I lived in a few cities in my 20s because of my work”
Naturally, she’s gonna be like: “Oh what do you do?”
You can be like: “Ah it’s a long story. But I started my own business in my 20s and it was growing. I had clients from all over Canada and I love traveling. So I thought it would be really fun to travel around Canada and expand my business at the same time.”
Of course, she’s gonna get even more curious and ask you about what your business is about.
In my case, this is how I would answer it.
I can be like:
Me: “My business is kinda niche so I hope you are open-minded. You know how a lot of successful guys are really busy with work and they rarely have the free time to go out and meet girls in person, right?”
Her: “Yeah?”
Me: “So they use dating apps to find girlfriends but it’s not easy for us guys.”
Her: “That’s true”
Me: “When I was younger. I struggled with online dating as well and it took me a long time to figure out how to build a profile that would make me look attractive.”
Her: “Oh really? Your profile is pretty good now”
Me: “Thanks. Yeah, I eventually learned how to create a good profile and met a lot of amazing girls from dating apps. My friends would see me out with girls and ask me how I met them, etc. And some of them even offered to pay me for my help with their dating profiles. So I figured why not do this on the weekends for some extra income. And after a while my little side hustle took off and the money I made from a single weekend doing this was more than my entire monthly pay from my day job. And I loved helping people. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna take a chance and do this full time. And now things are going well and I’m grateful.”
The way I talk about my business shows a few qualities.
I am fairly successful at what I do
I’m a risk taker and I can think outside of the box
I’ve been with other attractive girls
Successful guys trust me and choose to work with me
Notice how I also talk about my struggle with online dating, and how I’m a bit nonchalant when mentioning being out with girls. I do this so I’m not coming across as trying too hard. It’s subtle but it makes a difference in your communication.
You can apply these same principles to demonstrate your attractive qualities to girls. Bait her into asking questions about you by creating curiosity, answer her question by telling her stories about your life. In these stories, you include some details that show her you have all these qualities she’s looking for in a man.
Shift Gears and Introduce the Idea of Meeting Up for Coffee
Chatting is fun but keep in mind that the main reason why you are talking to a girl on dating apps is to set up a date and meet her in person. And if you have followed all these steps above, she should be pretty down to meet you at this point.
Usually, when a girl likes you on dating apps, she usually sends cute emojis, tells you things about her to impress you, and asks you questions to keep the convo going.
When you notice some of these indications, it’s time to ask her out. And it’s not that complicated. After all, she also swiped on you and she’s also on the app to meet someone right?
If you are just meeting someone for the first time from dating apps, my opinion is that you should just stick to coffee or drinks. Don’t make an elaborate plan to do activities or dinner (watch out for girls who are just fishing for free dinners too). The point is to get to know her and figure out your compatibility by talking to her in a chill environment.
So at some point in the conversation. You need to shift gears and tell her why you like her (refer back to something she said about herself), and ask her out.
You can just be like: “Love how funny and bubbly you are. Let’s grab a coffee sometime this week”
She will most likely say something along the lines of “Yeah that sounds great!”
And you can just say: “Cool. You on Whatsapp?”
In some rare cases, she may not be down right away when you ask.
Usually, three reasons why this happens.
Safety concerns. She is not 100% comfortable with meeting you in person just yet
Value related. You need to demonstrate more attractive qualities to her before she’s sold on you
She’s testing your confidence. She wants to see how you react to a “not yet”
So whatever the reason why. You just play it cool and go back to flirting and demonstrating value. Do not emotionally react to this. And after some more exchanges you just ask her out again.
Move the Conversation to WhatsApp/IG and Make a Plan
Now you’ve proposed a date and she said yes, it’s time to get her number/IG and move the conversation off the dating app. (This is important. And If your IG is weak try your best to get her WhatsApp/Number instead, no need to shoot yourself in the foot.)
My first text/DM will usually be something like these
“Hey XYZ, it’s James from the thing”
“Hey XYZ, it’s James your future ex-husband”
No need to send her a long paragraph reminding her who you are and on which app you two met. Unnecessary and it only makes you look needy/unconfident.
She’ll usually laugh at these texts and respond something back to keep the conversation going. Do not beat around the bush anymore, now it’s the time to set up an actual date and decide on exactly where and when you two will meet.
Send her something like: “Hey let’s grab a drink/coffee later this week. What’s your schedule like this week?”
My aim is always to meet up with her in person as soon as possible, just because girls are bombarded with dudes offering to take her out ALL THE TIME, if you snooze you just may lose. You HAVE TO move fast.
She will usually respond with something like “Sounds great! I’m free this Thursday and Friday this week”
And you just say: “Perfect, Thursday works really well for me. I know this cute cafe/speakeasy/bar in XYZ area, 7 pm?”
In most cases, she will say yes, or ask you if you can meet at a different hour instead, but in both cases, you are good to go. Just remember to send her the address or Google Maps URL.
After you two set up the date, you don’t want to end the conversation right there, keep it going for a little more so it doesn’t feel like you are only interested in getting a date out of her. Keep the small talk going for a bit more, then you can tell her you need to get back to work, go to the gym, or whatever, and end the conversation.
Don’t Over-text Before You Meet Her IRL
After arranging the first date, I suggest that you keep the texting to a minimum until the actual meetup. Just send her small updates (photos/videos) of you doing fun shit every 2-3 days to maintain some communication until your date will be enough.
You don’t want to give TOO MUCH attention to a girl you barely know. It just projects neediness and devalues your attention. If she can easily get your attention then she doesn’t want it anymore, because now you are less of a challenge to her, this is just how most girls work. And if you are still new to online dating and messaging girls, the more you message her, the higher the chance you say something retarded and make her ghost you before the date. I learned it the hard way, lol.
If she texts you first, of course, you still need to reply to her, but avoid getting into long exchanges. You are not signing up to be her pen pal.
Confirm on the Day Before the Meetup
I usually send her a text the day before the meetup to confirm as standard procedure. For two reasons. A. I want to reassure her that I haven’t forgot about her and I’m actually looking forward to meet her. B. I want to remind her in case she forgot about the date or give her a chance to reschedule/cancel if she wants to.
Something simple will do, just be like: “Hey XYZ, looking forward to our little adventure tomorrow”
Don’t ask her if she still wants to meet. It sounds lame. Assume the date is 1000% on and you are just confirming because you are a busy guy and you want to keep your schedule organized.
Avoid texting her during work hours because she has a life too and it can seem needy. Evening hours work a lot better in most cases.
As a side note, in the rare case that she tries to reschedule only after I send her the confirmation text, I will see it as a red flag and not meet her. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
But if you want to meet her still, just play it cool and tell her you will check your schedule and let her know when you will be free next. Wait for a couple of days then you just text her and set up a new date.
Conclusion
This is the messaging process I followed when I was still on dating apps and it served me very well. It has a very clear structure to it and hopefully, I broke it down well in this article. Go out and try this out next time you match with a girl on the dating app. And if you have any questions my email inbox is always open and welcoming! Cheers!