Introduction 

Alright, guys, I’m back with another blog. Today’s topic is quite heavy but it needs to be talked about. 

We all have someone like this in our lives - he’s been single for a long time, feels sorry for himself, and complains all the time, but years later he’s still stuck in the same bad spot. 

This person could be you, or a friend. 

If this is you, no worries. There’s absolutely zero judgment from me. And you are not hopeless!

Important disclaimer!!!

I must emphasize that I’m not talking from a position of superiority!

I was that guy for years when I was younger. I literally got rejected so much that I thought I was a lost cause and became suicidal at one point. 

Lmao!

Seems surreal now when I look back. But that was my life for years and trust me it sucked major balls.

On the other hand, a lot of my suffering was self-inflicted because I was just a colossal idiot haha. 

And eventually, through sheer persistence and hard work, I got myself “out of the mud”.

In this blog, I’ll share what I learned for myself and hopefully, it will help some guys who are currently in the same situation. 

Alright! So why do people get stuck in dating life? 

From my personal experience and what I have observed in others over the years, I reckon there are 6 major reasons why people waste years of their lives feeling stuck and bitter.

Ego Defence Mechanism/Denial

The ego is a funny thing. It doesn’t like to be wrong and inferior. And we often subconsciously lie to ourselves to protect our ego and self-image. 

I remember when I was doing horrible with women, I’d rather put my head in the sand and make excuses than actually admit to myself that I suck at dating and need to work on it. 

I was in denial for at least 2 years! I refused to recognize that the problem was me and just blamed everyone else for failing to see “how great of a catch I actually was”. 

And surprise surprise, nothing changed. I just told myself a load of BS to protect my own feelings, but my dating life stayed the same old shit show. 

I’m not a psychologist but I find having a big ego usually is a symptom of unhealthy and low self-esteem. 

If you are serious about improving your dating life, getting brutally honest with yourself is the first step to making real improvements.

It’s gonna make you feel like shit at times, but you will grow if you just lean into the pain and stop living in your own delusions. 

Comfort Zone/Fear of Unknown

For the most part, humans are creatures of habit. But this tendency can work against you when it comes to getting out of a bad situation. 

If you’ve developed a comfortable familiarity with being unsuccessful in dating, it actually becomes a part of your identity and the story you tell yourself.

“I guess this is just me, I’m always gonna suck with meeting and dating women” 

And as crazy as it sounds, a lot of people choose to stay in crappy situations because it’s the path of least resistance.

It’s easier to stay with the familiar misery than to try new things and deal with the unknown. 

But if you want to get better with online dating, you have to take a leap of faith and go out of your comfort zone. 

I’ve worked with many clients who never had much luck with women, after working with me, they went on to live dating lives beyond their wildest imaginations. 

The story you tell yourself is just a collection of your self-beliefs based on past experiences. But your identity and life circumstances are not set in stone. 

If you just dare to try new things such as improving your looks (fashion, fitness, personal grooming and etc) and getting better photos, your dating life will skyrocket.

Just have a bit of blind faith and take the leap. It will be worth it. 

Laziness 

People get stuck in dating life because they aren’t willing to put in sweat and tears to become more attractive to women. 

Let me backtrack a bit. 

If you meet a handful of women and none of them wanted to date you, there’s no reason to worry. A lot of times it has nothing to do with you. 

But if you meet 100 women and none of them wanted to date you, then most likely you are the problem.

And I don’t mean that you aren’t worthy as a person, but at this point in time, you are probably not the best lover and partner you could be.

And women SHOULD reject you.

However, this isn’t definitive. Your character and personality can change.

If who you are and what you represent at the moment turns women off, then you need to start working on yourself and turn yourself into someone women want to date. 

But no one can change overnight. You gotta put in the work day in and day out for years. And you possibly won’t see any real results in the beginning. 

I know for a fact most people don’t have what it takes and will give up. They want to change and become more attractive, but they aren’t willing to put in the work. 

I’m a firm believer in “What you put into life is what you get out of them”

If you want the results, you gotta grind it out, man.

Victim Mindset 

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” – Jawaharlal Nehru

Some people get dealt a great hand, most people I know get dealt a mixed hand, and some unlucky few get a shit hand. But who gives a fuck what hand you get dealt with bro! 

Even if you get handed everything in life, you can still fuck around and lose everything. 

And I know so many people who came from nothing and made something out of themselves.

All you can do is play the hand you are dealt with and make it work for you. 

Obsessing what others have is just a waste of energy. It will have zero impact on your life. 

I was so deep in the victim mentality guys, and it only held me back and kept me stuck. 

I blamed everyone else but me for my own failings, I made tons of excuses for why I could not get what I want in life. 

“Poor me, Asian guys don’t do well on dating apps”

“Poor James, I got bullied in high school so I have low confidence and self-esteem”

“Boohoo, I’m so chubby so no one is gonna want me”

FUCK THAT.

There’s a solution to every excuse I had. 

Asian guys struggle more with dating apps? Cool, worked harder and became more attractive to compensate for that. Got better photos for dating apps. And I started getting more and better matches.

Oh, not socially confident because of past bullying? Cool, challenged me to become more assertive and ballsy. BOOM! Girls became more attracted to me. 

Oh, too chubby? Yeah sure, started doing meal prep, and worked out 7 days a week. Done, got lean and toned and girls started checking me out. 

Just a few examples to make my point.

If I gave in to my excuse, I don’t even want to imagine where I’d be right now. 

Victims hide behind their excuses, and winners find solutions. 

Even Jack Ma, who’s a tiny, weird-looking mofo from a dirt-poor family still hustled his way to become the richest man in China with a cute wife. 

Start taking ownership of your dating life bro. No one is gonna do it for you.

Fear of Failure 

No one likes failures, I get discouraged and frustrated as much as the next guy whenever I try something and fail.

But it is an inevitable part of life, especially when you are trying to improve and grow as a person.

If you want to get better with women and dating, you have to accept the fact that you will fail…many many times. 

And failing isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually fucking great! I’ll elaborate more shortly. 

Usually, people are afraid of failures because they assume that failures make them lesser people. 

Or they just had childhood traumas from failing and being abused by parents for it. 

Or they were taught by unhealthy parents that they would only be loved and accepted if they were perfect. (Perfectionism) 

Yooo fuck that. 

No one is perfect and everyone fails, the sooner you can get these unrealistic ideas and expectations out of your head, the faster you can overcome the fear of failure and truly grow as a person. 

And failure is good! The more you fail, the faster you will learn and grow. Failure just means you tried something new and it didn’t work out as you expected. 

But you will learn so much valuable lessons every time you fail, and these lessons will help you succeed, as long as you apply the lessons. 

Currently, I’m growing my business and I have to try a lot of new things to scale up. Some of the things I tried really paid off, but a lot of other things I tried also turned out to be a total waste of money and time. 

But you know what, I don’t give a fuck. I will fail as much as it’s required to accomplish my goals. 

And just think about it, if your life was a movie, which one would be more epic when you look back on your death bed…

A. I just played safe all my life, I didn’t fail much but I never accomplished anything either. I wonder what would happen if I just tried this and that. But I’m out of time now. Oh well….

B. I really went for my dreams, I failed and failed, but I always got up and tried again. It took a lot of work but I finally succeeded and lived the life of my dreams in the end. Now I can leave this world in peace. 

Go out and fail, fail hard. Every failure is another stepping stone to your success.

There’s no shortcut. 

Self-Sabotage/Unhealthy Self-Esteem 

Self-esteem has a huge impact on every aspect of your life and the relationship you have with yourself directly determines your level of success and happiness in life. 

I can’t tell you how to raise self-esteem in a short article, nor do I think I’m qualified to speak on the topic.

You can read books such as “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem” by Dr. Nathaniel Branden to understand how self-esteem works and how to cultivate healthier self-esteem. 

But I can tell you that when my self-esteem was low I struggled with self-sabotaging patterns and self-limiting beliefs.

And it absolutely had a negative impact on my dating life.

Subconsciously, I simply didn’t believe I deserve love and happiness, and I sabotaged myself in any way I could. 

If you recognize self-sabotaging patterns in yourself, then it’s time to examine your level of self-esteem and seek professional help if needed.

Or at least read some books like the one I recommended. 

Listen, there’s no need to be ashamed if this applies to you. 

A lot of times you just experienced traumas as a child and it still affects you in adult life. 

And this shit doesn’t go away on its own, I still struggle with self-love sometimes and I still need to heal my old traumas. 

However, the work I have done already made a huge difference in my life, for the better.

Don’t worry about the stigma and please do not put your head in the sand about this. 

Having low self-esteem doesn’t make you a broken person.

It just means you need to heal yourself so you can have healthy relationships with yourself and others.

Conclusion

Alright, guys, that’s it for today. If you are currently feeling stuck in your dating life and it seems hopeless…

Just remember, this too shall pass.

I want to reassure you that better days are ahead as long as you do the work required to improve your situation.

And feel free to reach out to me, I’ve been there too and I understand how it feels.

If there’s anything I can do, let me know!